contributing writer to Laughspin.
humorist for Riled Up Journal.

creator of the original @Bill_Nye_tho twitter.

Cat Skeleton, a digital and print humor zine by me and Colin Burgess.



How I Would Have Photobombed The Most Famous Photographs Ever Taken

National Geographic “Afghan Girl” Photo


Nothing too disrespectful - Probably would have gone with classic “bunny ears” or just made a silly face right behind the woman

Marilyn Monroe Getting Her Skirt Blown Up By A Sewer Grate Photo


Would have been in the background crossing my fingers like I was saying, “I hope it gets blown ALL the way up!!!”

Protest at Tienanmen Square Photo


Would have been in the background forming my hand into a gun and putting it up to my head as if to suggest I thought the protest was boring

Hindenburg Disaster Photo


Would have been standing in the foreground making the “jerk-off” motion as if to say, “Great job steering the blimp… Not!”

V-J Day In Times Square” Kiss Photo


Penis-into-vagina hand gesture behind the couple’s heads!!

American Soldiers Planting The Flag On Iwo Jima Photo


Would have been standing in front, tilting my hands as if I was trying to tell the guys “It’s crooked fellas!!”

Original Loch Ness Monster Photo


Would have held a word bubble next to the “monster’s” head like the monster is talking and in the word bubble it says, “I’m just a stick!!”

Original Bigfoot Photo


Would have gotten into a humping pose right behind the beast 

Einstein With His Tongue Out


Already funny enough

Hippie Girl Putting a Flower Into A Soldier’s Gun Photo


Would have leaned in next to the girl and held my nose and made a grossed-out face like the girl was stinky!!

The Beatles Crossing Abbey Road Photo


Would have gotten at the end of the line like I was the fifth Beatle

Twitter As A Scientific Resource

please enjoy my new piece for Riled Up Journal, in which i defend Twitter’s usefulness to science

I Am The Voice of the Voiceless

I have always fancied myself as somewhat of a “voice for the voiceless.” Someone who speaks for those who cannot be heard, because they don’t have the means to be heard, and maybe because people wouldn’t bother to listen to them anyway. I’ve become somewhat infamous for lending a voice to the underrepresented, the ignored, the forgotten, and the oppressed. I don’t mean to pat my own back or to self-aggrandize, but this is a natural drive I have - to make the unheard, heard.
One of the best things about being a voice for the voiceless is that you get to choose the voice, and imagine what the thing might say. For example, if I’m doing a voice for a garbage can, I might give it a cockney accent, and make it say something like “‘Ello there, go ‘ead and put your garbage in ‘ere, then.” If I’m pretending to do the voice of  something like a big old 18-wheeler truck, I’d probably give it sort of a hotheaded New-Yorker-guy type of voice, and it would always be talking about how it was in a hurry. “Outta my way, I’m haulin’ cargo!” it would bellow. On the opposite end of the spectrum, something like a microscope or a big science textbook would definitely have a nerd voice, and it would always be asking if anyone has seen its glasses. “Ummm excuse me, have you seen my glasses?” it would barely muster in its pathetic, nasally chirp.
When I’m pretending to do the voice of something really huge like the moon, I try to make it real deep and authoritative. I used to, when I would pretend to do the moon’s voice, give it kind of an “afro-jive” swagger, but I was accused of racism. It’s actually pretty often that I get accused of racism when I’m providing a voice for the voiceless. Newsflash, idiots: you can’t be racist against the moon. It’s a big rock, not a guy.
Certain things, like sand or a really, really oppressed demographic of people, aren’t very fun to do a voice for because it’s too hard and there’s not a lot to work with, so I don’t bother. Doing voices should be fun, not homework.
In some instances it can be hard to provide a voice for the voiceless because it’s not so easy to imagine exactly what the thing would sound like and what its point of view would be. As an example - who could say what an Inkjet printer would sound like or what its general vibe would be? When I’m pretending to do the voice of a printer, personally, I give it kind of a straight laced, boring office guy voice, and its always concerned about whether or not people received a certain document. “Did you get that document, Jerry? Should I send it again?” the Inkjet would always be asking. But other people might have a different take on it.
Another cool thing to remember is that, if you want, you can even do the voice of something that already has one. Like with a person that you don’t care for, when you see coming, you can pretend you’re their voice and you can say “Watch out everyone, I’m coming over there to do a bunch of lame shit.” Usually that’s even more fun than being a voice for the voiceless.
I’m not saying it takes a  hero to speak for those who cant speak for themselves, but I do think that it takes a courageous soul, and I do believe that without me, we might never have known how a tractor would sound.*
*like a Southern redneck guy



i have a piece published on McSweeney’s today. check it out here.

Dear Sir or Madam:

This is a warning from your Internet Service Provider. Your IP address has been used to download and/or share copyrighted content, and accordingly your internet service is at risk of being suspended. We are obliged to remind you that the downloading and/or distribution of exclusively owned or licensed content infringes copyright.

We’ve been notified that in the past month, you have downloaded 250 GBs of music by Canadian alternative folk-rock band the Crash Test Dummies. We thought maybe it was an error on our end, but we looked into it further and confirmed that you did indeed download 250 GBs of music by the Crash Test Dummies, creators of the 1993 hit single “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.” We did some research and it turns out the Crash Test Dummies’ entire catalog of music, even including side projects by the band’s members, should just barely weigh in at 1 GB, leading us to assume you either found and downloaded 249 GBs of unreleased music by the Crash Test Dummies (???), or downloaded their entire discography 250 times? We are baffled and fascinated. We have a few questions:

  • Did you think you were downloading something else?
  • Is it safe to assume that you, having downloaded over 200 GBs of Crash Test Dummies, only listen to Crash Test Dummies?
  • If you like Crash Test Dummies enough to download over 200 GBs of their music, shouldn’t you be buying it?
  • Can you give us just a general idea of what your personal life is like?
  • So was hearing “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” for the first time the greatest moment of your life? We bet.
  • Are you one of the Crash Test Dummies’ parents?
  • So, like, should we check out the Crash Test Dummies?
  • Is there some kind of ironic resurgence of Crash Test Dummies going on? We are all in our mid-40s here.
  • We’re wondering what you must look like and we literally can’t picture it. Can you respond to this email with an attached picture of yourself?
  • Would you maybe want us to send you some recommendations for other good music or are you good with the Crash Test Dummies?
  • Seriously why do you have 250 GBs of music by Canadian alternative folk-rock band the Crash Test Dummies in your possession?
  • What are the file sizes on these mp3s you’re downloading? Like 6 GB each?
  • In cases of extreme copyright infringement, the accused’s hard drive may be seized by the proper authority. If that were to happen, would they find even more Crash Test Dummies?
  • Is owning 250 GBs of Crash Test Dummies music something you openly tell people about or do you try to keep it on the down low?
  • Who do you think about at night before you fall asleep?
  • Do the Crash Test Dummies still tour and if not how are you dealing with that?
  • Say hypothetically you were forced to choose your favorite Crash Test Dummies’ song, and whichever one you pick, all the other ones disappear forever—would you lose your shit or what?
  • What is your favorite Crash Test Dummies lyric that isn’t“Mmm mmm mmm mmm/Mmm mmm mmm mmm/Mmm?”
  • We absolutely don’t want to get too pushy or throw around accusations or anything, but you’re not going to… kill the Crash Test Dummies are you?
  • Wait, did you maybe catch some sort of computer virus that automatically downloaded 250 GBs of music by the Crash Test Dummies onto your hard drive? Do you even know that it’s on there?
  • Again, any details about your personal life would really intrigue us. Marital status, hobbies (besides listening to the Crash Test Dummies), etc.

We remind you again that we will terminate your internet service if piracy of copyrighted content is traced to your IP again in the future. We don’t anticipate this being a problem because we assume 250 GBs of Crash Test Dummies has to be all of it, right?

We apologize if this letter reads as judgmental.

My Worst Break-up


When my first girlfriend Tamara dumped me to be with an older boy named Dave, I felt like someone had shot me in the chest with an arrow, because earlier that day I had accidentally shot myself in the chest with an arrow. Tamara left me to be with an older boy named Dave, and I fell into a deep depression. The whole world seemed less vibrant. Colors weren’t as bright. Food didn’t taste as good, and throwing it on the floor because I didn’t like it wasn’t as satisfying as usual. I couldn’t even sleep at night, because I was too busy hanging out outside Tamara’a house.

Tamara was the most attractive girl I had ever met. She even made ordinary things look sexy. Just boring, everyday things, like eating a banana or walking around in the nude somehow became erotic when she did them. When we would make love, it was like our souls left out of our bodies and embraced each other, and then had sex.

I was on my most gentlemanly behavior around her. I would open doors for her and throw her coat down over puddles and generally just cater to her every need. When she would point out a spider on the wall I would kill it and she would thank me. When she pointed out a dog or stray housecat I would kill it and she would get mad. Eventually I realized that just because she pointed at an animal, that didn’t mean she wanted me to kill it.

I had this perfect fantasy about how we would live our life together. We would buy a nice house on a quiet, peaceful street. There would be this most gorgeous white picket fence out front, built around the statue she would help build of me. We would have four beautiful children and let her mother raise them.

When we split up, the recovery process was long and brutal. I fell into a pit of despair, and by that I mean I fell into a literal pit, because I was too busy thinking about Tamara to notice that I was about to walk into a pit. As I lay at the bottom of the pit feeling bad for myself, I eventually realized something - This was a metaphor. If I could climb out of this pit, I could overcome anything. Suddenly, escaping the pit became everything to me. I picked myself up, looked up towards the surface and felt a rush of adrenaline. I had the eye of the tiger, playing on my Zune. I doubted myself for a second, but I shook it off and prepared to scale the walls of the dark, unforgiving pit. I reached for rocks, vines and whatever else I could grip to hoist myself. Small step by small step, I finally made it to the surface and back to civilization. I rolled onto safe ground, stood up and looked back down into the pit, just taking a minute to bask in the private glory of my achievement. A few minutes later I accidentally walked into the pit again. 

The next day, after the fire department had helped me out of the pit, I was more depressed than ever. I decided to take a walk to do some thinking, and that’s when I accidentally fell into the pit again. After I was rescued from the pit, I vowed that this was the last straw. I HAD to turn my life around. I decided to focus my energy on my career and on my health. I began pursuing my dream job, I quit drinking and smoking, and I started jogging. It was after I started on this new path that the most astounding thing happened to me - I accidentally jogged into the pit. Eventually the city decided to fill the pit so that no one could fall into it anymore. And that’s when I knew I had won - I had finally overcome the biggest hurdle of my life. That was a huge relief, because I could start drinking and smoking again. Later that day I accidentally walked into a different pit. I was able to get out of that pit because it wasn’t as deep as that first pit, but on the way home, I fell into another pit.

The fist time you walk into a pit, you’re like, “Well, this can happen to anyone.” The second time you walk into a pit you’re like “Okay, this is a little embarrassing.” By the third pit you’re like, “I mean, really?”

But luckily, I eventually learned something very important - all that it really takes to heal, is time. All these years later, I have finally forgotten about Tamara, but I have to admit that sometimes at night when I’m looking at the moon, I find myself wondering if, at that exact moment, she’s out there somewhere watching the same documentary about the moon that I am. But I am 99% healed. I don’t even think of her when I fall into pits anymore. I just think, “Alright Lucas, how are you going to get out of this pit?” Then I call the fire department again, because I need them to come help me out of the pit.

Lucas Reviews the John Deere GX85 riding lawnmower



the John Deere GX85 riding lawnmower has been my main source of transportation ever since i pawned my car a month ago and couldn’t find the pawn shop again. i’m not gonna waste any time here - the GX85 is a hunk of shit automobile. we’re talkin’ awful gas mileage and a ride about as…


Originally posted on

aight aight fuck an intro y’all already kno who it is comin thru with another guess post. what up good ass website. tonight i’m debutin my new regular column called COOL ASS ANIMAL OF THE WEEK. today we’re talkin about the turritopsis dohrnii, a very special species of jellyfish discovered in the 80’s that don’t die.

one morning this German ass dude named Christian Sommer was snorkelin in i think the Mediterranean to find hydrozoans (little ass invertebrates that look like coral). he ain’t even kno at the time but he accidentally caught a Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish and put it in a tank to study it and for the most part it just seemed like a regular jellyfish or whatever. like it reproduced asexually (i.e. it don’t need to smash to have babies) and it was a bunch of tentacles on the bottom of it, but then Christian seen some shit that made him go “aight hold up man.” the little homie ain’t ever die.

a turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish got the ability to return to a polyp state so like basically, after it gets growed up and starts to look beat it can just become a shorty again whenever and then get old again and then young again over and over again for life. basically the homie just fucks with the entire life cycle like “shit is a game to me.” in this sense the Turritopsis dohrnii is biologically immortal. whatchy’all know about that

don’t get it twisted tho man like even tho they’re impervious to age related death they can still get laid out by other animals or wash up on shore or get sucked into boat engines and shit so they still get bodied like all the time but they aint ever die in a natural causes situation. scientists never seen shit like this before and as far as we know there aint any other animal that can just straight up grow the fuck in reverse. for real man a lot of us is still buggin out. 

aight i’m done with the article i’m out



Originally written for

aye it’s ya mans @Bill_Nye_Tho comin thru with a guest post real quick shout out to Riled Up Journal. Reilly Capps my man whattup. today i would like to discuss a topic thats very dear to my heart- makin sure azaleas don’t die. last week my favorite plant Azalea Banks died because i flew out to Miami for a climate change conference and i forgot to hire somebody to water her. rest in peace Azalea Banks u was literally my best friend. i don’t usually like to air my feelings out on the web or whatever. i really ain’t wit that at all but i been bummin and i need to talk through some shit and i figure the only way to honor homegirl memory is to 1.) make sure y’all know how to be there for ya plants 2.) airbrush “R.I.P. AZALEA BANKS 2013-2013” on a white tee. anyway i already made the tee and it looks like shit idk how to airbrush b. so i’ma try to make this post real good so take notation. aight i’ma do a post


aye u gotta water ya azaleas man. y’all already been knew i’m sure but y’all gotta be careful not to water too much aight cuz even plants can drown. first time i got an azalea i was a young’n and i ain’t even kno plants can drown and i used to spray homeboy down with a hose for like hours at a time and it got fucked up. make sure ya compost is real damp but u gotta make sure the roots aint soaked too much either. put some water in the soil but make sure it drain properly aight. keep the soil wet but dont waterboard the shit b it’s not that serious.


File:Rhododrendron hirsutum 280603.jpg plants get hot too just like humans so u gotta make sure your azaleas ain’t gettin too hot. azaleas like a temperature of 50-60 degrees fahrenheit. that’s their shit. NOT CELSIUS. dont keep your azaleas at 50 degrees Celsius it’ll fuck em up. also make sure it aint too windy.


make sure little homie ain’t hungry man use your brain. if your azaleas got flowers fallin off an shit they prolly hungry so you gotta get some good fertilizer like cottonseed meal or any acid-forming fertilizer. youre supposed to feed azaleas right after they bloom or whatever but honestly it dont matter that much man you can feed em pretty much whenever as long as you aint givin em the wrong shit. any commercial azalea food is aight.


when fall come around you gotta bring your azaleas back in the crib b. do NOT leave your shit outside in the colder months or the frost will kill it and that shit is a shame. too many plants gettin bodied by frost. i’m not about it. keep your azaleas nice and warm in the fall and winter months by bringing em indoors. unless you aint got heat or whatever then it really dont matter cuz your house is basically the outdoors anyway. you know what… just dont grow azaleas if your own living situation ain’t right or they prolly gonna die man its fucked up but it’s true.

and yo that’s about it. pretty much a good rule of thumb is if its good for you its good for your azaleas you feel me. you gotta be warm but not too warm. you gotta drink water but you cant drown yourself either. try to look at your azaleas like “yo i brought this shit into the world and i got responsibility now i can’t be fuckin around its time to be a man.” take care of your plants b you a grown ass man.

aight i’m out good luck