National Geographic “Afghan Girl” Photo
Nothing too disrespectful - Probably would have gone with classic “bunny ears” or just made a silly face right behind the woman
Marilyn Monroe Getting Her Skirt Blown Up By A Sewer Grate Photo
Would have been in the background crossing my fingers like I was saying, “I hope it gets blown ALL the way up!!!”
Protest at Tienanmen Square Photo
Would have been in the background forming my hand into a gun and putting it up to my head as if to suggest I thought the protest was boring
Hindenburg Disaster Photo
Would have been standing in the foreground making the “jerk-off” motion as if to say, “Great job steering the blimp… Not!”
“V-J Day In Times Square” Kiss Photo
Penis-into-vagina hand gesture behind the couple’s heads!!
American Soldiers Planting The Flag On Iwo Jima Photo
Would have been standing in front, tilting my hands as if I was trying to tell the guys “It’s crooked fellas!!”
Original Loch Ness Monster Photo
Would have held a word bubble next to the “monster’s” head like the monster is talking and in the word bubble it says, “I’m just a stick!!”
Original Bigfoot Photo
Would have gotten into a humping pose right behind the beast
Einstein With His Tongue Out
Already funny enough
Hippie Girl Putting a Flower Into A Soldier’s Gun Photo
Would have leaned in next to the girl and held my nose and made a grossed-out face like the girl was stinky!!
The Beatles Crossing Abbey Road Photo
Would have gotten at the end of the line like I was the fifth Beatle
i have a piece published on McSweeney’s today. check it out here.
Dear Sir or Madam:
This is a warning from your Internet Service Provider. Your IP address has been used to download and/or share copyrighted content, and accordingly your internet service is at risk of being suspended. We are obliged to remind you that the downloading and/or distribution of exclusively owned or licensed content infringes copyright.
We’ve been notified that in the past month, you have downloaded 250 GBs of music by Canadian alternative folk-rock band the Crash Test Dummies. We thought maybe it was an error on our end, but we looked into it further and confirmed that you did indeed download 250 GBs of music by the Crash Test Dummies, creators of the 1993 hit single “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.” We did some research and it turns out the Crash Test Dummies’ entire catalog of music, even including side projects by the band’s members, should just barely weigh in at 1 GB, leading us to assume you either found and downloaded 249 GBs of unreleased music by the Crash Test Dummies (???), or downloaded their entire discography 250 times? We are baffled and fascinated. We have a few questions:
We remind you again that we will terminate your internet service if piracy of copyrighted content is traced to your IP again in the future. We don’t anticipate this being a problem because we assume 250 GBs of Crash Test Dummies has to be all of it, right?
We apologize if this letter reads as judgmental.
When my first girlfriend Tamara dumped me to be with an older boy named Dave, I felt like someone had shot me in the chest with an arrow, because earlier that day I had accidentally shot myself in the chest with an arrow. Tamara left me to be with an older boy named Dave, and I fell into a deep depression. The whole world seemed less vibrant. Colors weren’t as bright. Food didn’t taste as good, and throwing it on the floor because I didn’t like it wasn’t as satisfying as usual. I couldn’t even sleep at night, because I was too busy hanging out outside Tamara’a house.
Tamara was the most attractive girl I had ever met. She even made ordinary things look sexy. Just boring, everyday things, like eating a banana or walking around in the nude somehow became erotic when she did them. When we would make love, it was like our souls left out of our bodies and embraced each other, and then had sex.
I was on my most gentlemanly behavior around her. I would open doors for her and throw her coat down over puddles and generally just cater to her every need. When she would point out a spider on the wall I would kill it and she would thank me. When she pointed out a dog or stray housecat I would kill it and she would get mad. Eventually I realized that just because she pointed at an animal, that didn’t mean she wanted me to kill it.
I had this perfect fantasy about how we would live our life together. We would buy a nice house on a quiet, peaceful street. There would be this most gorgeous white picket fence out front, built around the statue she would help build of me. We would have four beautiful children and let her mother raise them.
When we split up, the recovery process was long and brutal. I fell into a pit of despair, and by that I mean I fell into a literal pit, because I was too busy thinking about Tamara to notice that I was about to walk into a pit. As I lay at the bottom of the pit feeling bad for myself, I eventually realized something - This was a metaphor. If I could climb out of this pit, I could overcome anything. Suddenly, escaping the pit became everything to me. I picked myself up, looked up towards the surface and felt a rush of adrenaline. I had the eye of the tiger, playing on my Zune. I doubted myself for a second, but I shook it off and prepared to scale the walls of the dark, unforgiving pit. I reached for rocks, vines and whatever else I could grip to hoist myself. Small step by small step, I finally made it to the surface and back to civilization. I rolled onto safe ground, stood up and looked back down into the pit, just taking a minute to bask in the private glory of my achievement. A few minutes later I accidentally walked into the pit again.
The next day, after the fire department had helped me out of the pit, I was more depressed than ever. I decided to take a walk to do some thinking, and that’s when I accidentally fell into the pit again. After I was rescued from the pit, I vowed that this was the last straw. I HAD to turn my life around. I decided to focus my energy on my career and on my health. I began pursuing my dream job, I quit drinking and smoking, and I started jogging. It was after I started on this new path that the most astounding thing happened to me - I accidentally jogged into the pit. Eventually the city decided to fill the pit so that no one could fall into it anymore. And that’s when I knew I had won - I had finally overcome the biggest hurdle of my life. That was a huge relief, because I could start drinking and smoking again. Later that day I accidentally walked into a different pit. I was able to get out of that pit because it wasn’t as deep as that first pit, but on the way home, I fell into another pit.
The fist time you walk into a pit, you’re like, “Well, this can happen to anyone.” The second time you walk into a pit you’re like “Okay, this is a little embarrassing.” By the third pit you’re like, “I mean, really?”
But luckily, I eventually learned something very important - all that it really takes to heal, is time. All these years later, I have finally forgotten about Tamara, but I have to admit that sometimes at night when I’m looking at the moon, I find myself wondering if, at that exact moment, she’s out there somewhere watching the same documentary about the moon that I am. But I am 99% healed. I don’t even think of her when I fall into pits anymore. I just think, “Alright Lucas, how are you going to get out of this pit?” Then I call the fire department again, because I need them to come help me out of the pit.
Originally posted on RiledUpJournal.com
aight aight fuck an intro y’all already kno who it is comin thru with another guess post. what up RiledUpJournal.com. good ass website. tonight i’m debutin my new regular column called COOL ASS ANIMAL OF THE WEEK. today we’re talkin about the turritopsis dohrnii, a very special species of jellyfish discovered in the 80’s that don’t die.
one morning this German ass dude named Christian Sommer was snorkelin in i think the Mediterranean to find hydrozoans (little ass invertebrates that look like coral). he ain’t even kno at the time but he accidentally caught a Turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish and put it in a tank to study it and for the most part it just seemed like a regular jellyfish or whatever. like it reproduced asexually (i.e. it don’t need to smash to have babies) and it was a bunch of tentacles on the bottom of it, but then Christian seen some shit that made him go “aight hold up man.” the little homie ain’t ever die.
a turritopsis dohrnii jellyfish got the ability to return to a polyp state so like basically, after it gets growed up and starts to look beat it can just become a shorty again whenever and then get old again and then young again over and over again for life. basically the homie just fucks with the entire life cycle like “shit is a game to me.” in this sense the Turritopsis dohrnii is biologically immortal. whatchy’all know about that
don’t get it twisted tho man like even tho they’re impervious to age related death they can still get laid out by other animals or wash up on shore or get sucked into boat engines and shit so they still get bodied like all the time but they aint ever die in a natural causes situation. scientists never seen shit like this before and as far as we know there aint any other animal that can just straight up grow the fuck in reverse. for real man a lot of us is still buggin out.
aight i’m done with the article i’m out
Originally written for RiledUpJournal.com
aye it’s ya mans @Bill_Nye_Tho comin thru with a guest post real quick shout out to Riled Up Journal. Reilly Capps my man whattup. today i would like to discuss a topic thats very dear to my heart- makin sure azaleas don’t die. last week my favorite plant Azalea Banks died because i flew out to Miami for a climate change conference and i forgot to hire somebody to water her. rest in peace Azalea Banks u was literally my best friend. i don’t usually like to air my feelings out on the web or whatever. i really ain’t wit that at all but i been bummin and i need to talk through some shit and i figure the only way to honor homegirl memory is to 1.) make sure y’all know how to be there for ya plants 2.) airbrush “R.I.P. AZALEA BANKS 2013-2013” on a white tee. anyway i already made the tee and it looks like shit idk how to airbrush b. so i’ma try to make this post real good so take notation. aight i’ma do a post
WATER YOUR SHIT BUT NOT TOO MUCH
aye u gotta water ya azaleas man. y’all already been knew i’m sure but y’all gotta be careful not to water too much aight cuz even plants can drown. first time i got an azalea i was a young’n and i ain’t even kno plants can drown and i used to spray homeboy down with a hose for like hours at a time and it got fucked up. make sure ya compost is real damp but u gotta make sure the roots aint soaked too much either. put some water in the soil but make sure it drain properly aight. keep the soil wet but dont waterboard the shit b it’s not that serious.
MAKE SURE YA AZALEA AINT TOO HOT
plants get hot too just like humans so u gotta make sure your azaleas ain’t gettin too hot. azaleas like a temperature of 50-60 degrees fahrenheit. that’s their shit. NOT CELSIUS. dont keep your azaleas at 50 degrees Celsius it’ll fuck em up. also make sure it aint too windy.
FEED LITTLE HOMIE
make sure little homie ain’t hungry man use your brain. if your azaleas got flowers fallin off an shit they prolly hungry so you gotta get some good fertilizer like cottonseed meal or any acid-forming fertilizer. youre supposed to feed azaleas right after they bloom or whatever but honestly it dont matter that much man you can feed em pretty much whenever as long as you aint givin em the wrong shit. any commercial azalea food is aight.
BRING YOUR AZALEA IN THE CRIB WHEN IT GET COLD
when fall come around you gotta bring your azaleas back in the crib b. do NOT leave your shit outside in the colder months or the frost will kill it and that shit is a shame. too many plants gettin bodied by frost. i’m not about it. keep your azaleas nice and warm in the fall and winter months by bringing em indoors. unless you aint got heat or whatever then it really dont matter cuz your house is basically the outdoors anyway. you know what… just dont grow azaleas if your own living situation ain’t right or they prolly gonna die man its fucked up but it’s true.
and yo that’s about it. pretty much a good rule of thumb is if its good for you its good for your azaleas you feel me. you gotta be warm but not too warm. you gotta drink water but you cant drown yourself either. try to look at your azaleas like “yo i brought this shit into the world and i got responsibility now i can’t be fuckin around its time to be a man.” take care of your plants b you a grown ass man.
aight i’m out good luck